Humanizing
by Adam Kadmon
Summary: What drives him is not arrogance. It is certainty. Oh, except when he's second-guessing his dead wife. Or his second-in-command. Or the clone of his dead wife.


Humanizing

Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion

/\/\/\/\

My name is Gendo Rokubungi. The world calls me Gendo Ikari because I allow it to. I never took the name to heart. It was a quick and easy way to show Kiel, the Committee and Yui I was willing to put my pride second to their designs. I will admit I like the name. It just isn't mine.

The name is fitting. I am the anchor mooring all of NERV's and SEELE's interests together. I suppose the name fits Shinji as well, in its other sense. He has an anger behind his teary eyes. He reminds me of myself as a child. I didn't have a giant robot to lash out at the world with but parallels exist. I hated my father, but I hated my mother as well. Perhaps Shinji loves his mother because he never knew her. Or because she never knew him.

It's early and the halls of NERV are thinly populated between shift changes. It's been weeks since the last call to battle stations and a foolish sense of calm has settled over too many. They move with less purpose, less speed. It is admirably disappointing how quickly humans adapt to a situation.

"Commander," a technician salutes as I walk down the hall. I spare a glance. Tanaka something. Fuyutsuki's better with names.

I don't bother responding. Even a nod lowers me to their level. I have to stay above them to run NERV effectively. I must embody fear and authority or the crew will begin to question the validity of our cause in earnest. Now and then I hear whispered grumbles mostly revolving around the morality of using child soldiers or, among those with higher clearance, NERV's ultimate fate beyond the Angels. If I remain the cruel overlord they imagine it eases their consciences and facilitates the work they would otherwise rebel against. It is easier to follow a man into hell than lead him. I know this.

The technician breathes a sigh of relief as I pass without incident. I try not to smirk. It was and remains surprisingly easy to make people uncomfortable with their own presumed sense of powerlessness.

"Commander Ikari, sir," another technician says as I continue down the corridor.

I don't know her. She's young, cute. I don't allow my eyes to stay on her. The memory is enough.

She says my name with a deferent air of fear. Like it alone is cause for panic, some arcane incantation for evil. I remain successful in not smirking.

Again, I like the name, it just isn't mine. It is hers, and remains so.

/\/\/\/\

The more time passes the more I question her motivations. The activation test was a failure, as she explained it beforehand. The plan she presented was to trap Lilith's soul in an easily controllable cage we called Unit 01. It obviously did not work the way she told me it would.

With that option lost, as well as the cornerstone of the Eva project, I was left with the last card in the deck. Instrumentality was Kiel's goal from the onset. The Committee agreed too readily. But knowing their goal is knowing how to stop them. I wonder if I ever truly knew Yui's.

Did she ever care for me? I loved her, but I also used her for power, to get a hand on the tiller that directed man's future. She was too smart not to know the extent of my intentions.

The question I loathe to consider is if she loved Shinji. Anyone who saw them would say it was obvious but Yui was an amazing actress. I watched her play her peers, Katsuragi, Akagi, Soryu, Fuyutsuki, her father, Kiel and the entire Committee enough times to know how adaptable her personality was. Katsuragi, Akagi and Soryu wanted a rival and she gave them one. Fuyutsuki wanted an ideal he could never reach and she gave him one. SEELE wanted a naïve prodigy ripe for exploitation and she gave them one.

She wanted a child and I gave her one.

I wondered for a time if she would hate me for Shinji and Rei. But I remind myself she knew me, the real me, or enough of it, and I cannot believe she did not consider the possibilities. I am afraid to believe she planned for them. Because if that was true she never cared for anyone at all.

/\/\/\/\

Scientific amorality is a required character trait within NERV. Getting bogged down with ethics and right and wrong is counterproductive to our ends, public and otherwise. Triggering Second Impact was, to use a popular justification, a necessary evil. Between killing half the human race and sitting back allowing the entire human race to be obliterated should not pose a great conflict. In theory. The reality is less clear-cut. The same conflict exists for NERV using child soldiers.

I decide to oversee today's synchronization test with Fuyutsuki. Even I desire reaffirmation of our power on occasion. I do not announce my intention beforehand; it would upset too many for no discernable gain. Rei and Shinji would be distracted, Soryu would try too hard. Ritsuko works best when I acknowledge her but refrain from micromanaging.

The test goes well, despite the tense atmosphere the technicians develop around me. Only the occasional clack of a keyboard and the synthetic hum of the test plugs fill the room. I can see how disturbed the technicians are. It always amuses me how uncomfortable people are with silence.

Yui knew how to appreciate silence. She knew how to exploit it. A voice proves to people they exist, and proves it to other people. With just a look she could compel you to speak, to betray yourself and give her your secrets. She invited confidence. It is a trait I never fully appreciated until I met her. She had an uncanny way to make you desperate for her attention.

In her absence I find myself unexpectedly calm. Not happy, but not depressed either. I am focused. I have a clear goal and a clear way to reach it. I used to, before I met her. Things got muddy when I was with her. I lost focus. The edge that carried me to her dulled. Now she is gone and it is sharp again. I am ready and willing to do whatever it takes to achieve my goal.

"Their scores are good," Fuyutsuki remarks idly to me. "Even Rei." I grunt in agreement, and watch Ritsuko purse her lips.

When we began the Rei project I expected Fuyutsuki to be the dangerous one; he'd get too close, transforming her into a surrogate daughter or lover. At the very least he'd be reluctant to follow through with her given purpose. I miscalculated. He limits his time with her to the bare minimum and treats her with an aloof harshness. Sometimes I suspect he harbors an animosity that rivals the Akagis'.

Fuyutsuki has always been a wildcard. One reason I haven't been killed is because the Committee is scared of him. Why do they think I have him stay so close to me? I'd be disappointed if they both didn't realize that.

I was sorely tempted to call his bluff that day he confronted me with the truth of Second Impact, bellowing at me with righteous fury. It took less than I expected to shut his mouth and secure his cooperation, Yui or not. Did it simply take him longer than me to admit what he wanted from life?

I watch the test conclude without a word. It is disconcerting how much Rei looks like Yui. Too similar. Shinji has her in his face as well. It is subtler, and I think only I and Fuyutsuki would notice.

I decide attending the synchronization test was a mistake.

/\/\/\/\

I settle with Fuyutsuki and arrange a later test with Ritsuko before departing alone. On my way back to my office I spot the Second stalking around a corner, arms crossed tightly over her chest. Her red hair flows behind her like a flame under a wind.

"Where is he?" she mutters. Her eyes dart around the hall before landing on me. She stiffens, then adopts an affected smile. "Oh, good morning, Commander."

I nod before thinking. She is a pilot after all, and she desires reinforcement of that position. I slow my gait a step, curious how she'll react.

"The synchronization test went really well," she tells me with a bright smile.

"I see." I see a sudden similarity with Yui. This girl is a decent enough actress. A few more years to hone the act and she'd be a real menace on the stage. Of course she won't have a few more years. A few more months, maybe.

"I placed first again, sir."

"Very good." Speaking with her, I feel an unexpected pity for Shinji.

I subtly encouraged the Doctor to subtly encourage the Captain to adopt the Second. The good it did outweighed the risks. Letting Shinji cohabitate with two emotionally needy, pretty girls was a graceless punt on my part, I admit it, but his social retardation continues to thwart even the simplest of tasks.

Still, the stimuli proved its worth. Forcing bonds on him was an effective way to deepen his roots here. The long-term problems won't materialize in time to affect the plan meaningfully. "The fate of the world" is too abstract a concept for him. Piloting for someone he knows is far more effectual.

The Second's joyful lust for piloting and the Third's hatred of it are purely superficial. Their true motives are far more similar than either would be willing to confess. Asking two teenagers to recognize it was not a mistake. Neither was asking them to recognize it in each other.

I continue past Soryu without bothering with a farewell. I wonder if she can identify a fellow actor. I catch her left eye twitch subtly and decide she cannot.

I pass the next corner and linger for a moment. Soon I hear footfalls and then the Second is off running.

"Idiot. Where were you? Off ogling the First again?"

"I-I already explained about that!" I faintly hear Shinji say to her. "It was just a misunderstanding!"

"Sure, sure. A misunderstanding. You always have an excuse ready, don't you?"

"It isn't an excuse!" He's whining now, pleading for an end.

"Then where were you?"

"I showered after the test then I went to the lounge for a snack." There's a pause. "Honest!"

I've occasionally debated whether the cause of Shinji's abysmal interactions with women is internal or external. That is to say, if his failures are self-inflicted or the women he interacts with actively make it impossible for him to succeed. I usually determine it's a combination of both.

"A likely story," the Second says to him. "Just remember I'm watching you, Third. So don't think you can get away with your deviant proclivities, even if it's with the First. It's the principle. Oh, do _not_ give me that look. I know you'd be groping her if you had the chance."

I take my leave.

/\/\/\/\

Last week Rei initiated physical contact with Shinji. I was stunned. Watching the security feed of her holding his hand, grabbing it with such _urgency_, was far more troubling than anything else she could do. A kiss, even sex could be deconstructed as misplaced inquisitiveness. For her a simple gesture like holding a hand tells of more than idle curiosity. It is an ill omen.

It's happening again. I can see Rei drifting to Shinji the same way Yui did. I gave them my life so they could become something great and they abandon me for that boy.

I keep asking myself, why? Is there an undetectable remnant of Yui's emotions in Rei? Is Lilith exerting some kind of will against me? Is Shinji's dominance of Unit 01 affecting Lilith's other children, drawing them to him like Adam's call to the Angels?

Does she simply enjoy being with him?

The possibilities all lack pleasant solutions, which lead to more problems and even more unpleasant solutions.

So I return to wondering why. Why does she wait for him after synchronization tests? Why does she follow him with her eyes when he passes by? Why does she read his personnel file over and over, and access the security reports from Katsuragi's apartment?

Why do I allow her to keep doing these things?

/\/\/\/\

I dine with Rei at least once a week to maintain the connection between us. More than once is a treat, a reward for some unknown accomplishment. We eat, I throw out a few cursory questions regarding her existence and she leaves in what is for her high spirits.

I've never liked eating with others. The act is unpleasant to watch. It is brutal, violent. Destroying life to sustain another's. I've been tempted so many times to ask Rei what she thinks on the subject but inviting that kind of confidence is ill-suited to our respective purposes.

She must think on it, though. I know she thinks too much, but thinking is preferable to acting. Watching, too, is preferable to acting.

"You spend a lot of time watching the Third Children," I say as we eat. Graceless, but niceties are not needed with her. To her credit she does not startle or ask how I know.

She pauses to speak, sparing a leaf of lettuce. "Is it wrong?"

Yes. "Why do you watch him?"

She lowers her utensils. That is not a good sign.

"I enjoy the color of his eyes," she tells me. "When I speak with him, he rarely looks me in the eye. By watching him from afar I can see his eyes."

For a brief, raw moment I consider removing my glasses to show her how similar my eyes are to Shinji's and telling her she can look at mine as long as she wants.

I don't. To do so would humanize me, draw the two of us to an equal playing field where her opinions and desires can directly affect my actions. That cannot happen.

"Avoiding eye contact is a sign of poor social skills," I tell her. "His chances for improvement through socialization are slim. The Second Children seems to occupy his free time."

She shifts. Her shoulders fall, her face becomes a mask. She silently begins eating again and I hate both of us just a little more.

/\/\/\/\

I roll out of bed with a practiced silence. Ritsuko does not wake up. I hardly ever stay this long but it was a tiring day. I dress in her living room; I would prefer to shower but I don't want to wake her. My tolerance for interaction is depleted.

Of the women I've slept with Ritsuko is the best. I will not tell her that, of course. It would make me appear within reach.

Naoko saw me as an equal, a like mind she could share her intellect and body with. Yui saw me as her subordinate, someone with skill and a use but ultimately beneath her. Ritsuko knows she is in a fruitless competition for my affection yet continues to strive for it. She gives me what I want, publically and privately: authority.

I lost my virginity when I was seventeen. I was unofficially seeing Akiko Amane. She followed me like a puppy and I allowed her to. She was attractive in the way teenage girls are attractive to teenage boys.

It was summer break, her parents were out of town and mine were indulging in their usual negligence. Amane's room was affectedly feminine, something I believe I found alluring at the time. Very pink, filled with neatly arranged, alien artifacts from an unknown, mysterious gender. We kissed, and she told me I could go further if I wanted. So I did.

I watched her whimper beneath me, the tears trickling down her face to pool by her ears, her bottom lip spotted with red from biting it. I did not feel regret or pity or shame, even when I withdrew and saw myself coated with semen and blood. All there was was certainty. It was then I knew I would do anything to gain what I desired.

…

Maybe I'll smile at Ritsuko tomorrow.

/\/\/\/\

The drive home is quiet. It's predawn; the dark blue sky is streaked with violet and crimson. Soon the city will reconfigure to its waking state and life will continue for another day. Soon another Angel will appear, soon this war will end, soon everything will end. It feels surreal sometimes.

The building I call home is anything but. It is a place to store the things I cannot fit in my office. There are clothes, a poorly stocked kitchen and the library I collected over my lifetime. It exists for expectations and the decaying vestiges of vanity I have left. I can get any of it within NERV proper but Fuyutsuki insisted I take a home outside the base. I still feel it's superfluous, and a needless security risk, but there are times it is easier not to argue with that man.

There is a degree of ego. A home is a sanctuary of your own making, designed solely for your own comfort and sense of self. It is a reflection. It is a reflection I worked hard to cultivate; austere, serious, unconcerned with petty matters and trifling distractions.

I often think of Rei's apartment, barren and dirty. And Shinji's room, obsessively clean to the point it lacks humanity. They work so hard at their failures to connect with others. It cements for me what I shouldn't have to have cemented: I raised her to be like that, and I didn't raise him so he would be like that.

I shower and collapse into bed. I'll have at least two hours. Then it is back to the Geofront. Kiel is expecting a report today regarding various projects and timetables. It irked me at first, having to play the obedient lapdog to that man, but the persona lets me probe for weakness and gradually expand the barriers he sets through carefully subtle rebellion. I know him. And I know what he wants to achieve. I know in the end he will lose and I will succeed. I know because I am Gendo Rokubungi.

/\/\/\/\

End

Author notes: blech. This is my first real experiment with first-person POV in ages. Be harsh. Aside from the obvious, which is this feels like a bunch of drabbles sloppily stuck together. And I realize the timeline is all over the place here, and continuity is mixed up, but that's the kind of consistency you get from a hack.

OMAKE

My name is Gendo Rokubungi and I am the baddest motherfucker in the world. Money, bitches, giant robots and an underground pyramid? Hell yeah, I've got that shit.

NERV, they call it. Please. This is Gendo's International House of Bitches. My panty-ruining charisma makes them all beg for a piece but my pimping is strong. I'm no scattershot boy; I'm a man with laser-like focus who selects his targets carefully for a precision strike.

Akagi's my personal gravity source; I get it up, she puts it down. Katsuragi and Ibuki are my backups, Gen-zoned into supporting roles until my pimping needs demand action.

But being this badass can be tiring. You try having an army of jailbait angel clones after you. It was my ardent wish to one day pass the business on to family, but my son's lack of pimp is disconcerting. His failure to tap that Soryu ho remains my life's greatest disappointment. She is begging to beg. I should know; her mother was crazy in and out of the bedroom. I can spot them a mile away.

Because my name is Gendo Rokubungi and I am the baddest motherfucker in the world.


End file.
